Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Broken hearts....old

Four things before I get started with this:

First of all I love him. There is no question about that.
Second of all, I would love to be able to write a blog that would absolutely change peoples lives more namely Josh Anderson. But I know I am not that good of a writer and writing only changes peoples lives in the movies ( Never Been on and so forth)

Third, he dumped me.

and Fourth, this is my way of dealing and healing.

So lets get started.

I truly love him. Some may say love is something that must grow over time, but I would beg to differ. He and I, in these past 5 months, had been through so much together.
You might tune me out right now thinking 5 months?

Josh and I have been friends for about a year. We met at church, and I swooned from the first time I saw him (funny story).

During the 2nd month of our relationship, he was in a horrific car wreck where he very well could have killed himself, and almost did kill his little brother.
There is something about coping through a tramatic experience like that that will bring people closer together. And it did.

He told me he loved me first, and I told him soon after. He was (well is) the man of my dreams. He is a strong christian with deep moral values that run to his core. He is a free spirit (much opposite of me). He is a musician and plays for youth on sundays at the church. He is a deep theological thinker and probably the nicest guy you would ever meet. He is respectful, loving, caring, and considerate. He is always open to help people and very outgoing (again opposite of me). He has strong family values and loves animals. He is extraordinarily talented, and has so many awesome gifts. He has a beautiful soul, and he is quite beautiful.

We had our small disagreements, but we never fought. He was kind and never hateful. He only used his words, and was never derogatory or demeaning.

I wonder now, after giving a short description of him, if I even deserved him.

Yesterday was like any other day. He had just gotten back from a youth camp chrysalis and I was very excited to see him. I drove out to his house (35 minutes from mine) to see him. We watched a movie and baked a cake. We ordered a pizza for dinner and Josh and I went to go get it. I will spare you the next 30 minutes, but I will tell you that we never fought. He insinuated that he wanted to break up and I asked him "Do you want to break up with me?"

He said "yes", and I began to cry. He tried to console me, I think, or atleast tried to explain himself, but I just kept saying that I wanted to go home.

I went inside his house, got my things, thanked his family, and left his home. I drove off quite upset for my 35 minute drive home. I called my best friend first, and she said she would meet me at my house and we would go to dinner and talk. I had calmed down halfway through the drive, and I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know why. I called him and he didnt answer. He sent me a text message asking " what do you want to talk to me about"

I told him I just wanted to know why, and he neither responded nor texted back.

So I am left without any answers. The man that I previously described to you sounds nothing like the man that I dealt with yesterday night. He was disrespectful with not answering his phone. HE BROKE MY HEART.

I have two theories. One is that this was pre-planned. That he was planning on breaking up with me today and that was the most opportune time. But if this were so, why would he act like nothing was wrong? Why would go through normal daily activities as if he still wanted to date me. And why would he have me drive out to his house 35 minutes from my home knowing that I would have to drive back upset?

My second theory is that it was spur-of the moment. I find this the more hateful of the two. After 5 months, why would he break off our relationship on a whim? I was there for him when his brother was in ICU. I was there for him as soon as I heard about the wreck until the wee hours of the morning. I was there for him when he was trying to decide to go back to college or to take the job at the church. I was there for him when he needed me and spur of the moment he decides that he wants to break up. I supported him. We learned together, we prayed together, WE had FUN together. We went and saw plays. We have mutual friends. We were in love, or so I thought.

Yesterday, I was upset. Today, I am mad. I am mad that he would throw this away.

With so many questions left unanswered, it consumes my thoughts, and my dreams (nightmares). I am trying to blame something, but most of the time, since I hold him in such high esteem, it boils down to me. I guess for now I wont know.

But to him incase he reads this blog:

First of all, I love you. and there is no question about that.

Second of all, you probably wont even read this blog, and youre not coming back. Right now, I'm not sure if I still want to be friends with you.

Third, you dumped me.

and fourth, this is my way of dealing and healing. I not ok yet, but I will be. I hope you will be too. I hope you do go to college this fall. I hope you succeed with whatever it is you decide to do. I hope you find love that you did not find in me. Mostly, I hope you are happy.

Peace and Love.
Always and Forever.

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