Monday, January 19, 2009

Frequent flyer miles

Do you ever get the feeling that you have been in a place before?  Like it doesnt matter how many strides you take in a positive direction or how long its been since you might have been in that place, you realize that your life is bound within a cul-de-sac and its inevitable to eventually be right back where you originally began.  
It seems as though this circumvention of my life seems ever present in many aspects of my life.  We will start with money considering it to be the bane of my existence.  I will self-pour out on to this glass table of truth so that you will further be able to understand the intensity of my circus ring.  I at one point was given a credit card by my mother.  Perhaps a mistake on her part, yet she is not the one to blame.  My obsession nature and illusiveness to repercussions allowed me to rack up a bill of over $7000.  With the money I received from my father's death, I removed myself from this debt.  It is not something of which I am proud nor something that is easy to tell you, but I write in order to be healed.  I, also, over drew many times and at one point was over $500 dollars in the negative in my bank account.  My mother pulled me out of this whole and for this I am very grateful.  This financial mess that I placed on my family is perhaps my greatest regret, and at the same time my most flashy weakness. 
There is something about objectively spending money that charges or energizes me.  
So here I am once again. Not with a $7000 dollar credit card bill. In fact I own no credit cards.  Not with -$500 in the bank.  What has circumvented is financial anxiety.  
I receive a $2000 dollar stipend every semester from my scholarship. This is my last semester to receive it.  I am putting it into an account to pay my rent along with money I receive from my roommate to do the same.  But my mother is angry. She is angry that she recently had to pay my entergy bill which was due because I did not have the money to pay it because my stipend had yet to come in. She is angry that she paid our January rent because our stipends had yet to come in.  I know that I am blessed to have a family that is financially stable enough to pay my rent while I am waiting for a stipend.  I know I am blessed to receive a stipend at all. 
But the real issue is anxiety.  I am so anxious that I cant sleep. I am so anxious that I cant concentrate in  meeting. I cant concentrate on school work. Its like this money monster eats at me all day long.  Gnawing on every inch of me.  I know that this is an issue in which I will have to deal with, but I have lost ideas. 
I work two jobs with a total of 16 hours a week.  I know that this is not a great number of hours and many college students work way more than I do, but this is me and with the classes I am taking and my other responsibilities I know that I can work no more than this amount.  The money I make which equals about $400 dollars a month goes towards food, any cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothes, entertainment, and cable for the month.  I receive no money from any other sources and have not been handed money from my mom in over 6 months.  I do not over draw anymore and using my mothers words "I believe I am living inside my means".  
But for my mother, this is not enough.  I am not really sure what she is expecting from me.  Because I work hourly based positions, sometimes the income is not steady. For example, the campus where I work was closed for almost 2 weeks during the Christmas Holiday and then I was sick for the week following. As you would guess, this removed almost 3/4 of my monthly income.  
Today, my mother told my brother to tell me "That if I went out to eat with the group I was meeting with then she would stop payment on the bill that she just paid for me".  I feel as though I am trapped by anxiety.  Although she told me that today, I will think about that tomorrow and the next day and the next day.  I am fearful of spending money because I associate spending money with my mother screaming at me.  I associate spending money, any money, even if its for food to survive, with being a bad daughter.  I associate spending money with ruining my mother's life.  

This is my last semester in college and I will graduate in May.  I want to be able to leave this place this cul-de-sac behind me.  I am at a loss as to what to do, yet I am tired of running circles.  I have gained so many frequent flyer miles on this plane, but consistently only buying one way tickets.  I feel as though I have left and then realize Im right back where I started. I want freedom from anxiety. I want freedom from fear. 
I believe that I was placed on this earth to do great things.  Maybe small things in great ways but still great nonetheless.  My dream is to run from this cul-de-sac of burdens.  These past mistakes which still wine on my daily, weekly, yearly existence.  These current upsets that place anxiety rather than joy into my life are feeding the flame of failure.  They are feeding the flame of other burdens that exist within my life.  
I like to book a flight please.  A one-way ticket, free of charge, to any place but here.
"We're experiencing a bit of turbulence, we love you all"

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