Monday, January 19, 2009

cinderella on board.....Frequent flyer miles Part II

I have absolutely nothing to wear. I used to say this as I cried and screamed in front of my closet door the night before free-dress day (we wore uniforms in elementary and high school).
Although if I sat in front of my closet door today and screamed this my roommate might look at me as though I were crazy, I feel this way daily.
I am not one who wants (or do I believe is) concerned with material objects. About a year ago, I tattooed the word "Simplicity" on my foot. Although it has many meanings to me, which will call for a separate blog, part of the meaning is to be free from material possessions.
But there is a struggle inside of me, that I am disgusted with myself. As I stand in front of my closet, I do see nothing to wear. I see a small rack of clothes in which some dont fit or the weather is not suitable or they are so old that I'm afraid at any minute they might unravel. I fear that I am like an eating disorder patient looking at their body, but for me its my closet. I see whats not really there, but my true fear is I AM seeing what is really there.
In the previous blog that I wrote yesterday, I discussed a struggle I have with money. I discussed my anxiety towards spending money. Well clothes, makeup and other items used for style or dress, are at the top of my anxiety list. I know that if my mom sees me in a new outfit or new clothes that she will question me about where it came from and why I bought it. It often seems that I have to run around my integrity and lie to her in many instances so as just to avoid a fight or continue a battle that we have been fighting for years now.
I sometimes wish that she would come over to my house and look at my closet and see what I see. I struggle with my weight so I have clothes that range from a variety of sizes so many of the clothes I own at any given time do not fit me (another cul-de-sac adventure).
I wish that she would realize that often I feel that I look like crap. Often I wish that whenever I go out with my friends I could have something to wear in which I feel appropriate and good about myself.
The struggle is that what I am wearing in general reflects my attitude about myself. And in turn, my attitude is reflected in all areas. I have put on this persona of not caring what I look like. Hippy chic or sometimes just plain grundge. I took on a 6-month no buying spree, and although it didnt last I believe it was put into place so that I would have an explanation for my grundgy appearance. I do this so that I can hide my true problem. What is my true problem? Im not really sure. Im not really sure if the way I look affecting my attitude isnt something that everyone feels. Im not really sure if my weight issue is actually underlying and that clothes are just the personification of that issue. Im not really sure if my money issue is actually the issue and that I have just come to realize that my anxiety about that issue is increased when it comes to dress articles.

So cinderella has made an appearance on my plane. She sits next to anxiety in row 23 seat A.
Every ten minutes or so, she opens who suitcase and screams.
No fairy Godmother. No Prince Charming.
She turns to Anxiety and asks "I forgot, where are we going again?"
Anxiety turns to her and grins and says "WEAR we always go, one more trip around again, Bippity boppity BOOOO!"

"Cul-de-sac nightmares, and open fields of dreams. Waking up another day, in falling castles and broken mirrors it seems"

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